You know what sucks?
WHAT SUCKS IS that when you see the person that you think you’re in love with hitting on someone else while celebrating your fucking birthday. Wanting to slash my wrist open tonight. Feeling shitty as it can possible be. You know, I am prone to failure, even on my fuckign damn birthday.
With much love,
Fernando, the fucking unlucky bitch, Honores
(crying like a fucking baby)
I still think that 1993 is just around the corner, I still feel so young, but yet I am starting to realize that I am soon to be 19 in the next few hours. Yeah, not so much of youth anymore. I have yet so much to live for, my life is starting again.
I see each year of my life as a new experience, last year has to be forgotten and move to new places and adventures that will commit me to explore my deepest feelings and places of sentimental pleasure. To define more of what I want and keep what I really need, do to my body whatever I want to do with it, live freely as oxygen molecules in the air, grow to be more independent and less of a naggy fuck, mature, yeah, I can do this shit…
BRING IT ON 19, YOU HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR ME? HIT ME ONCE AND I’LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
I hate this feeling, I hate having to nuding myself up to someone I am just going to get rejected by. Don’t get me wrong, it is a beautiful thing, it has never been so strong that it drove me into internal tears when I feel the deception in his face of knowing that it is just not mutual in any way.
G: ”I see you’re sad”
Me (being an internal bitch): ”I am so into you, can’t you see? Look at how depressed I am of feeling your touch around my body”
Me (being a fake ass hoe): ”Yeah, I am just hang over from Saturday”
Why can’t it be so simple to say? I mean, my situation it is quite different, being gay isn’t easy. It isn’t just as simple to explain to someone how you are without having the doubt of driving away or pulling in someone. It is worse than realizing your sexual orientation, since being judged by others is quite worse than self-judgement. I wish I could just say and be like: ”Hello, I like you. Yes, and more than just a friend, a lot, you’re like the light to my dark night hours, my inspiration to rant about my feelings, my secret novel of a love affair, my inspiration to try on 3 outfits per day just to look right and be amazed by you, my worry when I don’t see you, my insecurity when I don’t speak to you in more than a day…my just about all”
How can you say that without breaking your heart? Because it isn’t easy, it takes a lot of courage, a lot of investigation of tactics that undergo before speaking truths…speaking about sexual references, not answering a yes or a no to create doubts with possibilities, talking about strange things to make yourself more interesting than usual. I just can’t believe I have fallen so fast, so soon for someone. Unbelievable, incredible, but sweet. But now, I just feel so wrong of probably being just another flirty fuck around trying to get you to know me when you just see me as something else. I am trying to be focus in school, studying my ass of daily to progress in life and I came into this with the mind of ”LOVE? THE FUCK? NO, I AM HERE TO STUDY. TO BE BETTER, FOR MY FUTURE ADOPTED CHILD, TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE!” But all I picture in my mind is YOU. A future together most likely, a life journey together, a constant fight against society together. I just feel so sad of not making it possible and finding it odd to like someone so much that my heart aches and drops into my stomach making this mass of vomit that I need to throw up along with butteflies of anger trying to bite and kill whoever takes away my dream.
People say you can do whatever you want, dream of whatever you’d like, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, but not in my situation. I have fallen for what it is probably unreal, a soulmate that is prisioner of my mind and thought process. I decided yesterday to stop with this, to stop dreamign about you, trying to seduce you with my sight, I just want to do this right, I don’t want ot play around, I want this to be serious, to breathe in relief of being mutually love…I just don’t want my heart broken, because no one can ever break it, I am probably going to avoid it before it happens. I am a big dreamer, I guess, a sad one of course. I just want it to be true. To finally fall in love for the first time in my life. I guess dreaming and aspiring for something is insane, or probably just that I hate my reality. I can finally breath now, my heart has been open.
I don’t know if you’ve done it, but I have.
Sometimes when I go to bed, I make my pillow my lover. Well not like fucking my pillow, but I try to imagine them as if it was someone I liked and just let my imagination fly…I just get tired of being single sometimes, I want someone since I’ve never been in a relationship. But at the same time, I know I get tired of people quiet easily and could never commit to be in a long-term shit. Life is different for me, I just like people, but falling in love…nah, just keep that shit to your pillow.
This would me my third time spending my precious getting shitfaced time on Facebook and being bored as fuck. FML, I really do want to get shitfaced until I die, I don’t care.
